Genuine Quotes

Questions attorneys actually asked in real trials.

"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know it until the next morning?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"Answer: No."
"Q: Did you check for blood pressure?"
"Answer: No."
"Q: Did you check for breathing?"
"Answer: No."
"Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
"Answer: No."
"Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
"Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
"Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
"Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

"Q: You say the stairs went down into the basement?"
"Answer: Yes."
"Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?"

"Q: How was your first marriage terminated?"
"Answer: By death."
"Q: And by who's death was it terminated?"

"Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"Answer: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

"Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
"Answer: Oral."

"Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"Answer: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
"Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"Answer: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

"Q: You were not shot in the fracas?"
"Answer: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

"Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Answer: I have been since my early childhood."

"Q:What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
"A:Where am I Cathy?"
"Q:And why did that upset you?"
"A:Because my name is Susan."

ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES TO SCHOOL:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Pure Gems

I dont know what you see in books, there just full of words. By Sully

I hate brown bread, I dont know why people eat dyed bread when they can have natural white bread. By Gilly

I know on the big picture we are only a small player nothing more than a pawn, just a simple pawn in the ocean. By Dellboy

Where Is this place Yos, I, Mite, YOSEMITE ! By Harry and Titch

I cant stand large corporations and what they stand for, unless of course Its my large corporation. By Blind Blake

A zebra does not change its spots. By Al Gore

Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.By Brooke Shields

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs. By Homer J. Simpson

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die. By Mel Brooks

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. By Groucho Marx